One minute, you're absolutely certain they're the problem.
They're controlling. They're unreasonable. They crossed a line. You're DONE.
Then they pull away.
And suddenly you're replaying the whole interaction.
Was I too harsh? Were my boundaries too rigid? Did I completely overreact? Am I villainizing them again?
And eventually, the question gets even scarier:
What if I'm actually the toxic one?
Maybe you've had versions of this same experience with romantic partners, your parents, or even your own kids.
You lose it with someone you love. You say or do something you regret. And afterward, you're not just thinking, I wish I'd handled that differently.
You're wondering what it says about you.
I fought so hard not to become my parents.
What if I'm just as screwed up as they were?
What if I was damaged so badly that I'm never going to be able to have healthy relationships?
What if everyone eventually figures out what's wrong with me and leaves?
Your emotions can go from zero to full-body alarm before you've even figured out what happened.
Part of you wants to fight.
Part of you wants to run.
And another part desperately wants the other person to come back and reassure you that everything is okay.
Then comes the shame.
But there can be a third option between "they're the problem" and "I'm the problem."
When you've lived through painful, unpredictable, rejecting, or chaotic relationships, it can be incredibly difficult to know what to trust.
You don't have to decide who's the bad guy to decide what you need.
You can learn to slow things down enough to ask:
What actually happened here?
What's mine? What's theirs?
What story did my mind add?
Is a boundary being crossed—or is an old alarm going off?
Could both things be true?
And most importantly:
What do I want to do next?
Therapy isn't going to turn you into someone who never gets triggered, loses their temper, or screws up.
You're human.
But imagine having an awful interaction without immediately turning it into proof that there's something fundamentally wrong with you.
You might still find yourself crying in the bathroom after a fight.
But instead of spiraling all the way down into I'm a terrible mother. I'm becoming my parents. I've ruined everything, you begin to recognize what's happening.
Okay. I'm really activated.
This didn't go the way I wanted it to.
What can I do now?
Imagine being able to trust yourself—even when relationships get messy.
You calm your body. You take some space. You come back.
This can end differently.
You can acknowledge, What I did wasn't okay, without adding, because I'm a horrible person.
You can take responsibility without drowning in shame.
You can call someone in rather than immediately calling them out.
You can recognize when a relationship is pulling you into an old pattern.
You can even step away from a relationship you don't want—not because you've given up on being loved, but because you no longer need someone else to prove you're lovable.
And little by little, you start having those: "Whoa! Look at me. I handled that differently," moments.
That's how trust in yourself grows.
"Once I engaged in the Brainspotting Intensive I found an entirely new level of personal transformation"
The Brainspotting Intensive has been life changing for me. I am truly grateful for the amazing gift Rachel has provided me through this Intensive and excited for the new goals I will be able to achieve in the future because of the healing that Rachel provided.
Tiffany Chapman, LPC-IT, CSAC
Therapist Colleague
"She is a dedicated bilingual therapist fluent in English and Spanish"
Rachel is committed to providing culturally competent client driven services including support for those seeking assistance with immigration issues and complex trauma. She uses her strong clinical skills which include Brainspotting as well as bilingual abilities to serve and advocate for individuals who might not otherwise have a voice.
Michaele Brown, LCSW
Therapist Colleague
"She brings a rare combination of warmth, insight, and professionalism that makes a lasting impact."
What stood out most in her work with queer clients was her advocacy, affirming, and inclusive approach rooted in genuine care and cultural humility. Rachel created space for clients to explore identity, relationships, and mental health with safety and dignity.
Joann Ikeh, LMFT
Former Supervisor
I don't need to turn any of those things into evidence that you're fundamentally broken.
Instead, we'll get curious about them.
When everything inside you is screaming, we'll start by helping your body come down enough that you can think again.
Then we'll slow the situation down together.
What actually happened?
What did you see and hear?
What did you do?
What meaning did your brain make from it?
And where were the little forks in the road—the places where another choice might have been possible?
Maybe there were things you could have done differently.
We can look at those, too.
Taking responsibility for something you want to change doesn't require putting your entire character on trial.
You may sometimes make moves that aren't ideal.
That doesn't mean you are the problem.
You don't have to give me the cleaned-up version.
We can talk about the rage.
The relationship whiplash.
The parenting moment you deeply regret.
The boundary you're afraid was actually too harsh.
The desperate need for someone to reassure you.
The thing you did because you needed the inside of your head to stop for a while.
We can look at the stuff you're most ashamed of.
Book a consult to get started.
Your fierceness may have helped you survive some incredibly difficult things.
We're helping you become more discerning about when you need it.
—including DBT skills when they're useful—to give you something to actually do when your nervous system is screaming.
Rather than simply trying to talk you into a healthier belief, we can bring attention to what's happening underneath all that insight and give those old messages an opportunity to come into the light and begin loosening their grip.
knowing better doesn't necessarily make you feel differently.
That's one reason I incorporate deeper work such as Brainspotting.
You've thought about your childhood. You may even know exactly what a healthier response would look like.
You know why you do this.
Sometimes understanding it isn't enough.
You don't have to become a completely different person.
You can become more fully yourself—with more choices about what happens next.
You can trust yourself inside difficult relationships.
You can navigate difficult relationships without automatically abandoning yourself—or blowing everything up—to feel safe again.
You can find connection and belonging in places you may not have recognized before.
And you can begin to discover something that may feel almost impossible to believe right now:
Over time, you can begin seeing possibilities where you once saw dead ends.
And maybe some of those ways of protecting yourself aren't serving you anymore.
That doesn't make you rotten.
It means we have something to work with.
Maybe you've adapted to circumstances that required you to become exceptionally good at protecting yourself.
Maybe you're not permanently damaged.
Brainspotting brings long-term healing to deep, relational wounding on a subconscious level. DBT skills help the thinking brain know how to cope and communicate more effectively in the short run.
Brainspotting can help us work more deeply to heal rejection, abandonment, belonging, and other wounds on a subconscious, physiological level.
DBT skills can provide practical strategies for the moments when your nervous system is screaming and you need something you can actually do.
Together, this work can help you understand your patterns, resolve the deeper pain underneath them, and have more choices when old protective responses show up.
How can Brainspotting and DBT help with trauma and relationship triggers?
Yes. One goal of our work can be helping you develop more trust in your ability to navigate relationships—even when they get messy.
That doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered, make a mistake, or have a conflict again. It means an awful interaction doesn’t automatically have to become proof that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.
Over time, you can become better able to ask: What actually happened? Is this relationship healthy for me? Is there something I need to take responsibility for? What do I want to do next?
Self-trust grows as you discover that you can handle those answers.
Can therapy help me trust myself in relationships?
Knowing why you react a certain way doesn’t necessarily stop the reaction. That's because our subcortical brain-body system drives reactions more than our neocortical "thinking" brain.
You may have read the books, thought deeply about your childhood, and even know exactly what a healthier response would look like. But when rejection or abandonment hits a tender place, all that insight can suddenly feel very far away.
That’s why our work goes beyond simply understanding your patterns. With Brainspotting, we can work toward deeply healing your brain-body system, so you’re triggered less often, while also developing practical ways to respond differently when those moments happen in real life.
Why do I understand my triggers but still can’t control my reactions?
Yes, painful or unpredictable early relationships can influence how you experience conflict, closeness, rejection, boundaries, and belonging later in life.
You might find yourself expecting someone to leave, becoming intensely activated during conflict, questioning whether your needs are reasonable, or pushing someone away while simultaneously desperately wanting them to come closer.
Understanding where those patterns came from can be helpful. Therapy can also help you work with the reactions that still show up in your body—even when intellectually you already know where they came from.
Can childhood trauma affect my adult relationships?
You've probably had to develop some ferocity for the sake of survival. You may feel completely justified during an argument—and then find yourself replaying it hours later thinking, Was I too harsh? Did I overreact? What if I’m actually the problem?
When something touches an old wound around rejection, abandonment, or belonging, your body can go into full alarm before you’ve had time to make sense of what’s happening. You might fight, pull away, desperately seek reassurance, or do something you regret.
Therapy can help you recognize those moments sooner, calm your body enough to think again, and create more choices about what happens next.
Why do I overreact in relationships and regret it later?
You're probably reacting to a combination of stressors and the effects of trauma/adversity. You don’t have to decide that you’re “the toxic one” or that the other person is entirely the problem.
When you’ve experienced painful, unpredictable, rejecting, or chaotic relationships, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a boundary being crossed and an old alarm going off. Sometimes both things may even be true.
In therapy, we can slow these moments down and look at what actually happened, what belongs to you, what belongs to the other person, and what you want to do differently next time. Taking responsibility for your behavior doesn’t require putting your entire character on trial.
How do I know if I’m toxic or just reacting to trauma?
